Five stars for sausage!

Tremendous takes on tiny books

Aug 06, 2025

Ever imagine what might happen if, while tooling around Goodreads, you stumbled across a batch of reviews from a wildly recognizable user, someone with the kind of cadence and confidence that makes you pause and think: Wait... is that...? No. It couldn’t be.

Me either.

Until a reread of Sam, Bangs & Moonshine — a beloved children’s book about the trouble that comes from making things up — triggered something in my head. And once it started, I couldn’t shut it off. Suddenly, all the classics were fair game. Morals were renegotiated. Jungle law was invoked. Snacktime became policy.

What follows is the result of that rabbit hole: a handful of memorable picture books, reviewed by a person who should probably not be left alone in the children’s section.

Note: No audio for this one—I couldn’t begin to do the voice justice. You’ll see why.

⭐️⭐️⭐️☆☆

YugePageTurner
5 reviews
3 followers
January 20, 2025

childrens-books, flummadiddle, parenting-advice, deep-state-classics

Just read Sam, Bangs & Moonshine. Weird Title. Nobody knows what it means. TERRIBLE Branding. But Sam the girl tells stories. Really great ones. Her cat is a lion, her mom’s a mermaid, etc. Honestly? Very creative. People say I tell the best stories. They love it. By the way… Sam. A girl using a boy’s name. Usually a red flag. I’ve known a few. Some were wonderful. Some were disasters. But I respect all women. Nobody respects women more than I do. In fact, I was one of the first to say women should have names. Beautiful names. Not Sam. Something better. Then her friend Thomas gets in trouble. Didn’t seem like a big deal. The kid gets a little wet. Kids fall in the ocean all the time. Happens every day in Florida. Strong kids there. The best. They bounce back. Believe me. And all of a sudden they’re saying Sam has to stop telling MOONSHINE. Big mistake. People want a little Moonshine. That’s what makes life Great Again. I said it first. EVERYBODY KNOWS IT. Truth is boring. If we only said facts, we’d have no movies, no books, no AMERICA. Bangs the cat calls it flummadiddle. AMAZING word. I LOVE it. We’re bringing it back. Bangs is excellent. Strong presence. Very sharp. One of the smartest cats I’ve seen. Great instincts. Very loyal. We need more pets like that. Tremendous. Knows what he’s doing. Bangs could run a company.

The art is okay but kind of gray. Needs more energy. Would’ve popped with a little gold. Just saying. Also, I always liked gerbils. Great animals. Very underrated. Or maybe it was a baby kangaroo. Hard to say. Australia has some strange things going on right now. Not a lot of people know that. Could’ve been five stars if Sam stayed strong. But at the end she says sorry and decides to tell the truth from now on. Big letdown. Very sad ending. Totally unnecessary.

⭐️⭐️⭐️☆☆

BigLeagueBooks
2 reviews
0 followers
June 14, 2025

classics, leadership, kings

Where the Wild Things Are is a famous book, everybody says it’s a classic. The monsters are tremendous. Tremendous art. Very impressive. Very well done. Max wears a wolf suit, gets mad, yells at his mother and runs away. Or is it just a dream? Nobody knows. Could be real. Could be fake. The mother overreacted. Terrible parenting. Totally unacceptable. Supper is an important meal. All meals. Very important. Especially snacks. I’ve always said that. Very bad parenting. I’ve raised amazing kids. Nobody ever sent them to bed without dinner. We had the snacks. Best snacks. WORLD CLASS. Total opposite of this mother. Max meets monsters. Very smart design. Big eyes, big teeth. Lots of teeth. Reminds me of people I know. They LOVE him. HUGE crowds. WILD applause. Biggest you've ever seen. MAYBE EVER. “We’ll eat you up, we love you so.” Unbelievable support from the wild things. Off the charts. They wanted him forever. Forever. And what do they do? They crown him KING like TIME did for me. People loved it. Nobody’s had a better crown. Not even the Pope. But after that the kid leaves. This book is very bad messaging for children. You have everything and walk away? Makes no sense. The wild things needed a leader. Anyway, strong first half. Goes off the rails in the second. Ends with Max back in his little room like nothing happened. Dinner waiting, like that makes up for it. Very strange. Very weak ending. TOTAL collapse. Could’ve been great but he walks away from power. Who does that? You don’t leave the throne. You license it. You build a hotel. Maybe a casino. That’s how you WIN.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
NobodyGetsItButMe
10 reviews
273 followers
July 4, 2024

self-help, inspiration, sausage, buffet-strategy

The Very Hungry Caterpillar never stops eating. Tremendous work ethic. The caterpillar is very hungry, very focused. Starts small. Eats one apple. Then two pears. Then three plums. Keeps going. Cake, ice cream, sausage. A lot of sausage. This guy doesn’t quit. FIVE STARS FOR SAUSAGE. Incredible stamina. You don’t see that anymore. I respect it. That kind of hunger is how you become great. People always ask me, Sir, how do you keep going? I’ve got the drive. I’ve got the appetite. Always have. Some people get full. Not me. I close the buffet at Mar-a-Lago. They say, Sir, save some for the rest of us. I say NO CHANCE. Reminds me of the time I played 18 holes in 102-degree heat at my course in Bedminster. No water, just Diet Coke. Still beat everybody. They couldn’t believe it. I said, Believe it. Then this caterpillar makes a cocoon. Not really sure what that’s about. Skipped that part. Anyway, it turns into something else at the end. Very floaty. Nice drawings. But I liked the eating part better. Great book for kids. Great message. Stay hungry. Never stop. Keep going. Not enough people are hungry like this anymore. Too many freeloaders. This caterpillar? A WINNER. TOTAL MACHINE.

Make America Hungry Again!

⭐️☆☆☆☆
BookForceOne
Reviews: 4
Followers: 0
April 15, 2025

fake-voters, alternative-facts, strong-women

Horton Hears a Who is boring, weak, and kind of dangerous, frankly. So Horton is this elephant. Big symbol. You know what that usually means. Could’ve been a real leader. But he went soft. VERY SAD. Very disappointing. Could’ve done great things. TOTAL potential. But instead he spends the whole book listening to people nobody else can hear. Waste of Time. SAD. He says, A person’s a person no matter how small. A lot of people say that. Very naive. You can’t run a country like that. You’ve got to focus on the people who are there for you. The ones who Show Up. Not THE TOTALLY FAKE ONES. Also, the kangaroo lady. She’s tough. I kind of liked her. Very strong. But they made her the bad guy. Unfair. Ending was confusing. Not enough action. TOO MUCH LISTENING. Horton should’ve moved on and built his own jungle. Big mistake. One star. Not for me.

⭐️⭐️☆☆☆
DonnieJ
Reviews:25
Followers: 7
September 17, 2024

bulls, lazy-leadership, arena-energy, legends

So this bull, Ferdinand, he’s huge. They say he’s the biggest, strongest bull in the whole field. Everyone’s excited. He gets picked to go to the big fight in Spain, which is a very big deal, by the way. A real honor. I know what it’s like to get picked for the big leagues. I was asked to throw the first pitch at Yankee Stadium. Very prestigious. I said maybe if the crowd’s big enough. They never followed up. Could’ve been great. Winners show up for the fight. Ferdinand gets picked and he SITS? Under a tree smelling flowers. Give me a BREAK. That’s not how you WIN.

That’s it. That’s the story. Can you believe it? They bring him to the arena. Beautiful place, amazing energy. And instead of fighting, which is what bulls are supposed to do, he just sits down. Doesn’t do the job. Doesn’t show strength. I don’t sit, I strategize. I rest like a champion. Ferdinand sits like a loser. I sit like a legend. People say, Oh, but he’s peaceful. Peaceful? Or lazy? You tell me. Also, the guy who picked him probably got fired. Bad decision. You don’t choose someone for the biggest event of the year and have them sit on the floor. That’s not a winner. That’s a waste of a good bull. And I know good bull when I see it. I’ve seen a lot of it. Some of the best. I liked the bull’s size. Gotta respect that. And the arena. Big event, big crowd, very important. But you look at all those flowers… All that sitting… Maybe there’s something else going on. I’m not saying anything. Just saying… PEOPLE ARE ASKING QUESTIONS.

🗂️ Review feed curated from users flagged for “frequent exaggeration” and “unverifiable leadership claims.” Reader discretion is advised.

🐾 Bangs the cat, attending to more important matters, declined to comment.

~Elizabeth

Thanks for reading! If you’re feeling a little like I should apologize to these books now, I get it!

Chicken Scratch by Elizabeth Beggins

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