I wish everyone I know could read this. I have for some time been concerned that our adult behavior is impacting our kids and grandkids to grow up in a world that lacks respect and is creating cynics. You tapped into the fundamental result and how to course correct in this beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Much appreciated, Wally, and thanks, too, for restacking!
I just came across the first Substack post from Mariann Budde, the Episcopalian Bishop who called for mercy at the inauguration Prayer Service. She writes: "Unity across diversity, and even intense polarization, doesn’t require us to agree on everything. But nor can true unity be built on coercion, misinformation, and contempt for those who differ. We are stronger as a people when we acknowledge the richness of our varied experiences, genuinely appreciate our differences, and are willing to seek the common good." She's got a slightly bigger audience than I have (😅), but at least we're singing from the same songbook!
"when I let fear or anger push me to demonize others, I’m not resisting authoritarianism, I’m feeding it. I become more brittle, more isolated, more certain that coexistence is impossible. And that’s exactly what authoritarian movements want: a fractured public, too angry, too cynical, too tired, too suspicious, too far gone to try anything else."
This made me think of that song “United we stand, divided we fall.” You are absolutely right to assume a divided nation is easier to conquer. The fact is we all agree on much more than we disagree. But we also receive different information from the media and outside world, which skews differently leading to varying world views. Let’s hope that the evidence becomes overwhelming and we welcome all to join the team of democracy. Stay healthy and resilient, patriots. These aren’t normal times.
These definitely aren't normal times, and it means so much to know that there are friends all over the world who understand and are doing what is within their sphere of influence to push back. I especially appreciate you noting that what we read and listen to can be so influential. The interview with Megan Phelps-Roper really digs into that truth! Thanks, Teresa.
Well done. I think I’ll use an ‘m word’ ‘moving’ and an ‘h word’ ‘hope’.
For a man who supposedly seeks a Nobel Peace Prize America’s President needs to find a way to make his own country less-divided. I struggle to write USA as a tag on posts because the U feels so farcical. But really, all these people on ‘both sides’ have the same wish for those they love - a better life. Finding those simple common beliefs is essential. Best of luck dear people. United you’ll stand, divided you’ll fall. Hugs and best wishes.
Your piece is very timely. Just last night, I heard one of Trump’s closest advisers saying that immigrants had changed our country in so many ways. Of course his point was that the changes were not good. To some extent I had to agree with him which was very unsettling to me. Our cities and our schools are places where the influx has created some problems. Living where we do and no longer teaching, I don’t feel the impact of this. But I know it’s true. So many administrations have let the immigration issue go unresolved. Now it is being dealt with in such cruel ways. People have made incredible and dangerous journeys to get here for a variety of reasons. What would any of us do for our children if we walked in their shoes? Back to the point of your writing, sometimes we have to step back to see the whole picture. It’s never just black and white.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Suzanne. I really appreciate your willingness to wrestle with the complexity here. That’s exactly the kind of reflection that helps push back against “us vs. them” thinking.
Yes, immigration brings challenges, especially when public systems are already strained. But often, the real issue isn’t the people coming in but how policies (or the lack of them) fail both longtime residents and new arrivals. Too often, fear and frustration are redirected at immigrants instead of the systems that need fixing.
Your question — what would any of us do for our children? — is such a powerful grounding point. That kind of empathy is what keeps us human in dehumanizing times. Thank you again for reading, and for engaging so openly. And yes — peace. ☮️
These are necessary questions not enough people are even thinking about today in 2025. Thanks for your perspective, Elizabeth, I hope it will turn some minds in better (yes, a better, possibly species-saving) direction. I'd suggest reading the following for both background and suggested forward motion. Thanks for taking the time and making the effort to share your perspectives.
Thank you, Kippy. That we have a community of folks thinking and asking questions together here is a gift, and I'm glad you're part of it.
I'm a little too sleep deprived to digest Brooks's article tonight, though I've started it and like where it's going. I left the tab open (of course) and look forward to reading the rest of it soon. Appreciate you!
Elizabeth, I find as I get older (79) that I have less patience and am more judgmental then I used to be. I am trying hard to be mindful of that change in personality. It's a challenge. Your essay is challenging me even further to work towards commonalities as opposed to differences. Looking for cooperation versus competition is my goal. Wish me luck.
Thank you for adding to the conversation, Ann. Your honesty is admirable and relatable. I think many of us, age notwithstanding, find that as the world gets louder and more polarized, it’s easy to slip into judgment without even realizing it. The fact that you’re noticing the shift and actively working against it is powerful. It’s hard work (I have such a long way to go!) but that kind of awareness is exactly where change begins. I’m wishing you luck and offering solidarity. We’re in this together!
Beautiful work here, Elizabeth. Once again, there is so much to explore through the links you provide. The interview with Phelps-Roper was astounding - the power of suspending judgment and just be listened to, was what changed her. Wow. Ditto Wallace Doolin's comment - I hope many will read. "Coexistence is the job." True, and easy to lose sight of.
Thinking Fast and Slow (Daniel Kahneman) describes some of this social wiring. The fast brain (instinctive) comes to a decision, then the slow part (analytical) comes up with reasons that (surprise!) support the decision to act in x way or to believe y.
OMG I just found the David Brooks article that Kippy refers to. A must read.
See what I mean? You've helped create this wonderful community!
Oh, Stew...! Thank you so much. You bring such depth to the conversation. That moment in the Phelps-Roper interview really hit me too: the power of being truly heard. I once saw something similar (though not quite as impactful) unfold in the comment section on a very popular Substack, and it inspired a big chunk of a follow-up essay. Coexistence is the job keeps echoing in my mind as well, especially in a time when it's so tempting to retreat into sides.
I love that you find value in the links and in the comments section. I am beyond grateful that this space has become what it is, thanks to thoughtful readers like you. You all make it feel like a real community of inquiry, humility, and hope. Grateful you’re here.
The thing I learned about compromise is that it requires a certain amount of humility to realize there may be other facets to a problem and you may not be able to see them.
For a number of years, I lead a team of 22 people from 16 countries who together spoke at least 2 dozen languages. They were all very good at what they did as a team that supervised projects in over 20 countries. It was an amazing group of people and my biggest challenge as the team leader was to pace them to avoid burnout. Sometimes I required a few of those overachievers to leave their laptops and work phones with me so they could disconnect from the job and recharge. I never had a situation where someone didn’t exceed expectations.
We often faced difficult situations in our field offices and would debate how best to resolve the problems. I remember early on as team members politely but firmly expressed their perspectives on what needed to be done, then I realized how we were all looking at a facet of the problem like a group of people viewing a diamond from different angles. When we synthesized down all the perspectives, we found solutions that worked. I also learned that the most important skills I needed were to listen and realize, humbly, that we were much stronger as a team than as individuals.
When I finally moved on, I was grateful and I remain grateful to work with those colleagues who were also friends.
So many c words, and I can't think of a good one to add to your excellent argument for being open to compromise (between those who are more or less on equal footing)!
I hate to admit that I feel great resistance. It's complicated. I'm not good at just letting things that seem [ so obviously misguided ] or so easy to explain with [science, common sense, history ] or so dangerous or damaging to us as a whole slide. It seems to me that the onus to compromise, to make concessions, and to attempt to understand (and, what, excuse?) the reasons for deeply-held convictions ... tends to fall to one side of the divide (or simply be one-sided.... which might be another c word entirely).
Your comments section here shows that people can approach compromise with much more open-mindedness than I seem to be mustering, and I'm glad for that and for the spirit of your words and reminders.
Thank you for your mention, too, of my recent post. I so appreciate you.
I really appreciate your honesty here, Amy, and your sharp eye for the complexities (another “c” word!) of compromise. You’re absolutely right that the burden of bending often does fall unevenly, and that’s both frustrating and, at times, genuinely unjust. It’s hard to ask for openness when what’s on the table feels harmful, absurd, or willfully ignorant. I don’t think compromise should mean excusing that, but it's a fine line. Or a fuzzy one.
What I am trying to hold onto is the idea that compassion and compromise are less about giving up ground as much as about resisting the gravitational pull toward dehumanization. Even when we can’t agree. Some days I believe in that more than others, but like you, I find hope in the hope of others.
Thank you for showing up with such thoughtfulness — and for your own work, which always challenges and deepens the conversation.
Thank you, Holly. I really appreciate this. Yes, it is so much right now. I remember saying to someone IRL not long ago that sometimes I just want to be able to write about birds! Or cats! Or frozen pizza! And I do. Sometimes I do that, too, but you get my point.
That everything feels so hard right now makes the work of not to falling into the trap of demonization that much more important. And makes it harder. I love what you said about practicing the big things in small interactions. That’s where it all starts, isn’t it? Stronger with use.
Grateful you’re here and thinking through this alongside me.
Great piece Elizabeth. I am also trained as a mediator and believe conflict resolution techniques should be taught beginning in the early childhood years. We could all benefit from less political rhetoric and more searching for common ground.
Janet, thank you. As I recall, you didn't just train as a mediator, you practiced as one! I couldn’t agree more! If we taught conflict resolution -- and civil discourse -- from an early age, we might teach our future generations to see disagreement as a chance to learn, not just to win. Less posturing, more listening. Here’s to building that kind of culture, one conversation at a time. It's great to see you here.
Someone in my virtual world disagrees with me on pretty much every issue of substance. When the news makes me want to scream, I know this person is cheered (not that I would ever raise the matter). And yet I don’t have a more generous or loyal supporter here on Substack. I am treated as a respected friend, not as the enemy. I respond in kind. It’s a good feeling.
Thank you for this, Rona. I wrestle with knowing when or whether we should raise such matters. I fantasize about being able to have conversations that allow us to better understand each others' choices. Sadly, we are mostly too defensive. It's even harder, and probably inadvisable, in a situation like this where you don't have the advantage of knowing each other personally. Meeting generosity and loyalty in kind is the right way to go!
I know what you do will be right for you, Jill, and might not look anything like what I do -- which is 100% okay! I respect your willingness to try. Thank you so much for that, and for sharing your thoughts here.
I am a professional wrestler in this art form. It's hard and can be oh-so-well rewarded. I'm catching up on emails while trying to reduce my body temperature. This one cooled me down considerably, even though what our government has done to our nation is, simply, wrong. Thanks for the perspective, as always. ~J
Elizabeth,
I wish everyone I know could read this. I have for some time been concerned that our adult behavior is impacting our kids and grandkids to grow up in a world that lacks respect and is creating cynics. You tapped into the fundamental result and how to course correct in this beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Wally
Much appreciated, Wally, and thanks, too, for restacking!
I just came across the first Substack post from Mariann Budde, the Episcopalian Bishop who called for mercy at the inauguration Prayer Service. She writes: "Unity across diversity, and even intense polarization, doesn’t require us to agree on everything. But nor can true unity be built on coercion, misinformation, and contempt for those who differ. We are stronger as a people when we acknowledge the richness of our varied experiences, genuinely appreciate our differences, and are willing to seek the common good." She's got a slightly bigger audience than I have (😅), but at least we're singing from the same songbook!
This!!!
"when I let fear or anger push me to demonize others, I’m not resisting authoritarianism, I’m feeding it. I become more brittle, more isolated, more certain that coexistence is impossible. And that’s exactly what authoritarian movements want: a fractured public, too angry, too cynical, too tired, too suspicious, too far gone to try anything else."
We cannot become what we abhor in the other.
Thank you for the validation, Kim. Your last line says it all!
This made me think of that song “United we stand, divided we fall.” You are absolutely right to assume a divided nation is easier to conquer. The fact is we all agree on much more than we disagree. But we also receive different information from the media and outside world, which skews differently leading to varying world views. Let’s hope that the evidence becomes overwhelming and we welcome all to join the team of democracy. Stay healthy and resilient, patriots. These aren’t normal times.
These definitely aren't normal times, and it means so much to know that there are friends all over the world who understand and are doing what is within their sphere of influence to push back. I especially appreciate you noting that what we read and listen to can be so influential. The interview with Megan Phelps-Roper really digs into that truth! Thanks, Teresa.
Well done. I think I’ll use an ‘m word’ ‘moving’ and an ‘h word’ ‘hope’.
For a man who supposedly seeks a Nobel Peace Prize America’s President needs to find a way to make his own country less-divided. I struggle to write USA as a tag on posts because the U feels so farcical. But really, all these people on ‘both sides’ have the same wish for those they love - a better life. Finding those simple common beliefs is essential. Best of luck dear people. United you’ll stand, divided you’ll fall. Hugs and best wishes.
As you struggle with USA, I struggle with President and Leader. I tend to lean more toward the people in charge. My own small subversion!
Grateful to have you on our team, Beth, and sending good wishes from across the globe. Grateful, too, to have you here.
Dear Elizabeth,
Your piece is very timely. Just last night, I heard one of Trump’s closest advisers saying that immigrants had changed our country in so many ways. Of course his point was that the changes were not good. To some extent I had to agree with him which was very unsettling to me. Our cities and our schools are places where the influx has created some problems. Living where we do and no longer teaching, I don’t feel the impact of this. But I know it’s true. So many administrations have let the immigration issue go unresolved. Now it is being dealt with in such cruel ways. People have made incredible and dangerous journeys to get here for a variety of reasons. What would any of us do for our children if we walked in their shoes? Back to the point of your writing, sometimes we have to step back to see the whole picture. It’s never just black and white.
Thanks for your piece. And peace,
Suzanne Todd
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Suzanne. I really appreciate your willingness to wrestle with the complexity here. That’s exactly the kind of reflection that helps push back against “us vs. them” thinking.
Yes, immigration brings challenges, especially when public systems are already strained. But often, the real issue isn’t the people coming in but how policies (or the lack of them) fail both longtime residents and new arrivals. Too often, fear and frustration are redirected at immigrants instead of the systems that need fixing.
Your question — what would any of us do for our children? — is such a powerful grounding point. That kind of empathy is what keeps us human in dehumanizing times. Thank you again for reading, and for engaging so openly. And yes — peace. ☮️
p.s. You might appreciate this: https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/otm/segments/media-misses-sourthern-border-on-the-media
These are necessary questions not enough people are even thinking about today in 2025. Thanks for your perspective, Elizabeth, I hope it will turn some minds in better (yes, a better, possibly species-saving) direction. I'd suggest reading the following for both background and suggested forward motion. Thanks for taking the time and making the effort to share your perspectives.
https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2025/07/trump-administration-supporters-good/683441/
Thank you, Kippy. That we have a community of folks thinking and asking questions together here is a gift, and I'm glad you're part of it.
I'm a little too sleep deprived to digest Brooks's article tonight, though I've started it and like where it's going. I left the tab open (of course) and look forward to reading the rest of it soon. Appreciate you!
Elizabeth, I find as I get older (79) that I have less patience and am more judgmental then I used to be. I am trying hard to be mindful of that change in personality. It's a challenge. Your essay is challenging me even further to work towards commonalities as opposed to differences. Looking for cooperation versus competition is my goal. Wish me luck.
Thank you for adding to the conversation, Ann. Your honesty is admirable and relatable. I think many of us, age notwithstanding, find that as the world gets louder and more polarized, it’s easy to slip into judgment without even realizing it. The fact that you’re noticing the shift and actively working against it is powerful. It’s hard work (I have such a long way to go!) but that kind of awareness is exactly where change begins. I’m wishing you luck and offering solidarity. We’re in this together!
Beautiful work here, Elizabeth. Once again, there is so much to explore through the links you provide. The interview with Phelps-Roper was astounding - the power of suspending judgment and just be listened to, was what changed her. Wow. Ditto Wallace Doolin's comment - I hope many will read. "Coexistence is the job." True, and easy to lose sight of.
Thinking Fast and Slow (Daniel Kahneman) describes some of this social wiring. The fast brain (instinctive) comes to a decision, then the slow part (analytical) comes up with reasons that (surprise!) support the decision to act in x way or to believe y.
OMG I just found the David Brooks article that Kippy refers to. A must read.
See what I mean? You've helped create this wonderful community!
Oh, Stew...! Thank you so much. You bring such depth to the conversation. That moment in the Phelps-Roper interview really hit me too: the power of being truly heard. I once saw something similar (though not quite as impactful) unfold in the comment section on a very popular Substack, and it inspired a big chunk of a follow-up essay. Coexistence is the job keeps echoing in my mind as well, especially in a time when it's so tempting to retreat into sides.
I love that you find value in the links and in the comments section. I am beyond grateful that this space has become what it is, thanks to thoughtful readers like you. You all make it feel like a real community of inquiry, humility, and hope. Grateful you’re here.
The thing I learned about compromise is that it requires a certain amount of humility to realize there may be other facets to a problem and you may not be able to see them.
100% yes! Maybe lack of humility is ground zero for division. How on earth do we teach that?
From your countless international exchanges, I imagine you've learned more about compromise than many.
For a number of years, I lead a team of 22 people from 16 countries who together spoke at least 2 dozen languages. They were all very good at what they did as a team that supervised projects in over 20 countries. It was an amazing group of people and my biggest challenge as the team leader was to pace them to avoid burnout. Sometimes I required a few of those overachievers to leave their laptops and work phones with me so they could disconnect from the job and recharge. I never had a situation where someone didn’t exceed expectations.
We often faced difficult situations in our field offices and would debate how best to resolve the problems. I remember early on as team members politely but firmly expressed their perspectives on what needed to be done, then I realized how we were all looking at a facet of the problem like a group of people viewing a diamond from different angles. When we synthesized down all the perspectives, we found solutions that worked. I also learned that the most important skills I needed were to listen and realize, humbly, that we were much stronger as a team than as individuals.
When I finally moved on, I was grateful and I remain grateful to work with those colleagues who were also friends.
So many c words, and I can't think of a good one to add to your excellent argument for being open to compromise (between those who are more or less on equal footing)!
I hate to admit that I feel great resistance. It's complicated. I'm not good at just letting things that seem [ so obviously misguided ] or so easy to explain with [science, common sense, history ] or so dangerous or damaging to us as a whole slide. It seems to me that the onus to compromise, to make concessions, and to attempt to understand (and, what, excuse?) the reasons for deeply-held convictions ... tends to fall to one side of the divide (or simply be one-sided.... which might be another c word entirely).
Your comments section here shows that people can approach compromise with much more open-mindedness than I seem to be mustering, and I'm glad for that and for the spirit of your words and reminders.
Thank you for your mention, too, of my recent post. I so appreciate you.
I really appreciate your honesty here, Amy, and your sharp eye for the complexities (another “c” word!) of compromise. You’re absolutely right that the burden of bending often does fall unevenly, and that’s both frustrating and, at times, genuinely unjust. It’s hard to ask for openness when what’s on the table feels harmful, absurd, or willfully ignorant. I don’t think compromise should mean excusing that, but it's a fine line. Or a fuzzy one.
What I am trying to hold onto is the idea that compassion and compromise are less about giving up ground as much as about resisting the gravitational pull toward dehumanization. Even when we can’t agree. Some days I believe in that more than others, but like you, I find hope in the hope of others.
Thank you for showing up with such thoughtfulness — and for your own work, which always challenges and deepens the conversation.
Your point about demonizing supporting authoritarianism is soooo important.
And it’s difficult. It all seems so much right now.
I think there’s wisdom in practicing whatever we want to see (compromise, say) on a large scale in every interaction in small ways.
Thanks for exploring this topic, Elizabeth.
Thank you, Holly. I really appreciate this. Yes, it is so much right now. I remember saying to someone IRL not long ago that sometimes I just want to be able to write about birds! Or cats! Or frozen pizza! And I do. Sometimes I do that, too, but you get my point.
That everything feels so hard right now makes the work of not to falling into the trap of demonization that much more important. And makes it harder. I love what you said about practicing the big things in small interactions. That’s where it all starts, isn’t it? Stronger with use.
Grateful you’re here and thinking through this alongside me.
Me too, yeah.
And I know you already know this. But I do think it’s important for us to keep writing about birds and cats and frozen pizza too.
😘
Great piece Elizabeth. I am also trained as a mediator and believe conflict resolution techniques should be taught beginning in the early childhood years. We could all benefit from less political rhetoric and more searching for common ground.
Janet, thank you. As I recall, you didn't just train as a mediator, you practiced as one! I couldn’t agree more! If we taught conflict resolution -- and civil discourse -- from an early age, we might teach our future generations to see disagreement as a chance to learn, not just to win. Less posturing, more listening. Here’s to building that kind of culture, one conversation at a time. It's great to see you here.
Someone in my virtual world disagrees with me on pretty much every issue of substance. When the news makes me want to scream, I know this person is cheered (not that I would ever raise the matter). And yet I don’t have a more generous or loyal supporter here on Substack. I am treated as a respected friend, not as the enemy. I respond in kind. It’s a good feeling.
Thank you for this, Rona. I wrestle with knowing when or whether we should raise such matters. I fantasize about being able to have conversations that allow us to better understand each others' choices. Sadly, we are mostly too defensive. It's even harder, and probably inadvisable, in a situation like this where you don't have the advantage of knowing each other personally. Meeting generosity and loyalty in kind is the right way to go!
Sometimes the right way to go is hard, in part because we see so few examples.
Reading the true, inside, non-perfect words resonate MUCH clearer than plastic people could imagine.
I respect your openness.
I hope to be not only as open, but as seeing and doing, making compromise real, because we have to move and hatred doesn't get us anywhere!
I know what you do will be right for you, Jill, and might not look anything like what I do -- which is 100% okay! I respect your willingness to try. Thank you so much for that, and for sharing your thoughts here.
I am a professional wrestler in this art form. It's hard and can be oh-so-well rewarded. I'm catching up on emails while trying to reduce my body temperature. This one cooled me down considerably, even though what our government has done to our nation is, simply, wrong. Thanks for the perspective, as always. ~J
I worry about you in this heat, but I'm glad to know you found time to read and "chill." Thank you.