I actually love every word you wrote... Since I know you both very well and had the pleasure of sharing a matrimonial moment.... I treasure your relationship right alongside you...
Lovely, Elizabeth. I had to smile at your line about letting Jim decide when to leave for the airport. We've had our differences about this, but he usually leave 15 minutes earlier than he thinks is best (still later than I would prefer). We used to know a couple who took separate cabs to the airport because they simply couldn't work it out.
The things we do for love! Even the impractical but genius solution of taking two cabs. I'm going to chuckle about that for a long time to come. Thanks for adding to the conversation, Rona, and for the restack.
When my Dad died suddenly at 67 my Mother, at 66, said that they had 45 good years and she would probably not get married again. A year later she started seeing or dating a man whom I had known for a long time. About 3 yrs into the relationship he asked her to go to Alaska with him and she said she wouldn't feel right about that no being married. (Hint, hint). At age 70 she married Jim and they were married for 26 years before she left us at age 96.
Aw, Gary, what a sweet second go at love for your mom. Thanks for sharing that story. We have a long-time friend who spent her life single, had an impressive career, and found love in her 80s. As far as I know, they're still going strong!
It's good to see you. I hope you're feeling a bit stronger these days.
Love this! I’ve had to learn to let go of all the things I’d like my husband to be (into hiking and nature, less into working all the time) and appreciate who he is. No one can check all the boxes, and we put too much pressure on our romantic relationships to fill all our needs. I often wonder if this would happen if we had more real community.
Learning to let some things go is key, isn't it? We all know happy, long-term partners who have completely different hobbies, so cheers to that! I've read research that suggests there is a correlation between lasting relationships and the strength of the individual communities. Those who have deeper external options tend to say they're happier than those who don't. So you are on the money with your thinking.
By the way, I love your profile photo. Thanks for joining in here today.
Thank you! And yes, learning to let some things go is key, in relationships and everything else — and a lifelong lesson I'm still learning at 63. You might enjoy this podcast of a couple that started a friends compound near us — they talk about how living in that community benefits their relationship: https://supernuclear.substack.com/p/cringe-alert-an-1hr-interview-with
Congratulations on your anniversary! Yours is a charming story, and I'm glad for both of you that you've been able to live it. I wouldn't downplay the importance of the absence of the challenges you name (addiction, mental illness, etc). I don't think I know anyone who ended a marriage because their partner didn't check everything on a list of want-to-haves. It's always something far more serious and usually impossible to resolve. Because marriage in the best of circumstances is a challenge at times. Wishing you many more years of happiness and the good kinds of hard. ❤️
Thanks, Rita. You are exactly right. To deal with the burden of certain kinds of challenges requires an outsized level of patience and forbearance and often, so often, it's too much for the relationship to sustain. I'll add that there are absolutely times when letting the partnership go is the best course of action. I sure didn't intend to downplay any of that.
I do think there are partnerships that suffer a slow death from a thousand paper cuts. Small, unaddressed grievances have a way of accumulating into, as you say, much more serious issues.
The good kinds of hard -- that's a solid wish, one I appreciate very much.
“But after every colossal disintegration of civility, we come back to mutual respect and a willingness to move forward as two people who are good enough.” I love this sentence.
This is wonderful. Rob and I, unknowingly, both wrote on our Valentines what we enjoy doing together in our almost 53rd year of married life. Walking our dear dog which includes a poop pickup, gardening, boating, watching movies (we frequently have trouble agreeing on what to watch as our tastes differ), cooking (yes, he likes to cook), shopping for groceries, traveling, I’m sure I’ve forgotten some. I doubt some of these would have been on the list in year 1. Growing up together and old together sometimes works out.
How sweet is that? Happy Valentine's Day to you and your sweetheart. You're right. Owing to some wondrous alchemy, a blend of dumb luck and forgiveness, sometimes it works out.
You have set a brave bar - including a page from your actual diary, unredacted! How many of us could tell a similar tale of finding our loved ones, complete with humor, suspense, passion, honesty, and perspective - and in under 1000 words? I don't know, but I might try, even though my falling-in-love essay might begin "We got married on New Year's Eve for tax reasons." Page turner? Mmmm... not sure...
Laughing out loud at the last part of this comment, Stewart! We all have our stories. It just so happens that one of our best happened right out of the gate.
Please let me know when you write that story. I can't wait to read it! Thanks for chiming in today. Say hi to your girl for me.
Thank you! I like that part about paying attention to what matters. In fact, it occurred to me, as this essay was taking shape, that I could take it in the direction of the current state of the world, long-term relationships as a model for keeping a democracy alive. But I decided I needed a let myself just focus on this one part. I appreciate you reading and commenting.
Awww! What a lovely story 💕 And happy anniversary!
Ed and I married two weeks after we met and, having had a previous marriage that failed, I credit the “success” (closing in on 28 yrs) this time to luck, general compatibility, and maybe inertia 🤣
Oh my gosh!! TWO WEEKS!? You win an award for that one, Melora. Good for you trying again and striking while the iron was...um...flaming hot. Yes to all three of those reasons for success, especially the inertia. 🤪
Thank you, Janice. Our honeymoon meandered from Charlotte, to Charleston, then back to North Topsail Beach which is on Topsail Island, south of OBX.
No, we never circumnavigated and never really even got around to giving that serious consideration before, as you mention, life took over. We brought Tempo from FL to NY, lived aboard there and sailed locally, then brought her back from NY to MD. We'd planned to keep going south from here but were pulled into the magnetism of the Eastern Shore.
What a wonderful and open-eyed tribute to your relationship, candid even as it is deep and true. I love this: “I think we’re gonna go for it,” he beams.
This must be somewhere in the range of an anniversary, so happy anniversary. 30+ years is a lot of time learning to live and grow together. Happy for you!
Thank you so much, Amy. It is a privilege to be able to spend so many years in relative contentment. And your thoughts are that much more meaningful given what I know you are having to navigate now. There is no fairness in the way those cards are dealt.
Your observation skills are always honed: Our 34th anniversary is Sunday.
I actually love every word you wrote... Since I know you both very well and had the pleasure of sharing a matrimonial moment.... I treasure your relationship right alongside you...
Barry, we can honestly say we wouldn't be where we are today without you. Ha! Thank you for all the wisdom, and for not letting us forget our lines. 😂
Lovely, Elizabeth. I had to smile at your line about letting Jim decide when to leave for the airport. We've had our differences about this, but he usually leave 15 minutes earlier than he thinks is best (still later than I would prefer). We used to know a couple who took separate cabs to the airport because they simply couldn't work it out.
The things we do for love! Even the impractical but genius solution of taking two cabs. I'm going to chuckle about that for a long time to come. Thanks for adding to the conversation, Rona, and for the restack.
My pleasure!
I love this!!
Thanks, Anj. This might be a small part of the story that you've not heard before. 😅
When my Dad died suddenly at 67 my Mother, at 66, said that they had 45 good years and she would probably not get married again. A year later she started seeing or dating a man whom I had known for a long time. About 3 yrs into the relationship he asked her to go to Alaska with him and she said she wouldn't feel right about that no being married. (Hint, hint). At age 70 she married Jim and they were married for 26 years before she left us at age 96.
Aw, Gary, what a sweet second go at love for your mom. Thanks for sharing that story. We have a long-time friend who spent her life single, had an impressive career, and found love in her 80s. As far as I know, they're still going strong!
It's good to see you. I hope you're feeling a bit stronger these days.
Love this! I’ve had to learn to let go of all the things I’d like my husband to be (into hiking and nature, less into working all the time) and appreciate who he is. No one can check all the boxes, and we put too much pressure on our romantic relationships to fill all our needs. I often wonder if this would happen if we had more real community.
Learning to let some things go is key, isn't it? We all know happy, long-term partners who have completely different hobbies, so cheers to that! I've read research that suggests there is a correlation between lasting relationships and the strength of the individual communities. Those who have deeper external options tend to say they're happier than those who don't. So you are on the money with your thinking.
By the way, I love your profile photo. Thanks for joining in here today.
Thank you! And yes, learning to let some things go is key, in relationships and everything else — and a lifelong lesson I'm still learning at 63. You might enjoy this podcast of a couple that started a friends compound near us — they talk about how living in that community benefits their relationship: https://supernuclear.substack.com/p/cringe-alert-an-1hr-interview-with
Ooh, thanks! A friends compound. I look forward to checking that out.
Congratulations on your anniversary! Yours is a charming story, and I'm glad for both of you that you've been able to live it. I wouldn't downplay the importance of the absence of the challenges you name (addiction, mental illness, etc). I don't think I know anyone who ended a marriage because their partner didn't check everything on a list of want-to-haves. It's always something far more serious and usually impossible to resolve. Because marriage in the best of circumstances is a challenge at times. Wishing you many more years of happiness and the good kinds of hard. ❤️
Thanks, Rita. You are exactly right. To deal with the burden of certain kinds of challenges requires an outsized level of patience and forbearance and often, so often, it's too much for the relationship to sustain. I'll add that there are absolutely times when letting the partnership go is the best course of action. I sure didn't intend to downplay any of that.
I do think there are partnerships that suffer a slow death from a thousand paper cuts. Small, unaddressed grievances have a way of accumulating into, as you say, much more serious issues.
The good kinds of hard -- that's a solid wish, one I appreciate very much.
A lovely tumble you took.
Thanks, Courtney. A lucky one, for sure.
If there's a line out in there in the world better than "limited cookware and lust" please point me to it.
Ha! What a fabulous comment, Stephanie. Thank you.
“But after every colossal disintegration of civility, we come back to mutual respect and a willingness to move forward as two people who are good enough.” I love this sentence.
Thank you, Mary. It's great to see you here. Colossal might be an understatement, tbh. 😅
As someone who has been married a long time, I totally get it. 😂
Ah -- phew! How long have you been together?
19 years married, 25 years together, met at 19 so some growing up together
How about you?
Lovely -- the whole idea of growing up together isn't something I run across quite as often these days. Happy quarter century!
We're celebrating 34 years this weekend. Unlike you, we both waited a bit longer to tie any knots.
Happy Anniversary! To love! You might like this one. https://open.substack.com/pub/pocketfulofprose/p/on-marriage-and-mountain-goats?r=qqbxq&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
This is wonderful. Rob and I, unknowingly, both wrote on our Valentines what we enjoy doing together in our almost 53rd year of married life. Walking our dear dog which includes a poop pickup, gardening, boating, watching movies (we frequently have trouble agreeing on what to watch as our tastes differ), cooking (yes, he likes to cook), shopping for groceries, traveling, I’m sure I’ve forgotten some. I doubt some of these would have been on the list in year 1. Growing up together and old together sometimes works out.
How sweet is that? Happy Valentine's Day to you and your sweetheart. You're right. Owing to some wondrous alchemy, a blend of dumb luck and forgiveness, sometimes it works out.
Beautiful in every way!💕
Thanks, Jacque. I know you know. ❤️
You have set a brave bar - including a page from your actual diary, unredacted! How many of us could tell a similar tale of finding our loved ones, complete with humor, suspense, passion, honesty, and perspective - and in under 1000 words? I don't know, but I might try, even though my falling-in-love essay might begin "We got married on New Year's Eve for tax reasons." Page turner? Mmmm... not sure...
Laughing out loud at the last part of this comment, Stewart! We all have our stories. It just so happens that one of our best happened right out of the gate.
Please let me know when you write that story. I can't wait to read it! Thanks for chiming in today. Say hi to your girl for me.
Thank you for sharing your story. You bring light today and remind us to pay attention to what matters.
Thank you! I like that part about paying attention to what matters. In fact, it occurred to me, as this essay was taking shape, that I could take it in the direction of the current state of the world, long-term relationships as a model for keeping a democracy alive. But I decided I needed a let myself just focus on this one part. I appreciate you reading and commenting.
Awww! What a lovely story 💕 And happy anniversary!
Ed and I married two weeks after we met and, having had a previous marriage that failed, I credit the “success” (closing in on 28 yrs) this time to luck, general compatibility, and maybe inertia 🤣
Oh my gosh!! TWO WEEKS!? You win an award for that one, Melora. Good for you trying again and striking while the iron was...um...flaming hot. Yes to all three of those reasons for success, especially the inertia. 🤪
Elizabeth ...your very own true fairy tale. An oxymoron? No.
You write so that we can feel what you felt, thanks for that. Where was the honeymoon house? May I inquire? OUTER banks?
How far did you go sailing? Was it curcumnav?? I think life interrupted...regardless what a first date proposal. It gets me all atwitter.
J
Thank you, Janice. Our honeymoon meandered from Charlotte, to Charleston, then back to North Topsail Beach which is on Topsail Island, south of OBX.
No, we never circumnavigated and never really even got around to giving that serious consideration before, as you mention, life took over. We brought Tempo from FL to NY, lived aboard there and sailed locally, then brought her back from NY to MD. We'd planned to keep going south from here but were pulled into the magnetism of the Eastern Shore.
Life is a funny thing, isn't it?
What a wonderful and open-eyed tribute to your relationship, candid even as it is deep and true. I love this: “I think we’re gonna go for it,” he beams.
This must be somewhere in the range of an anniversary, so happy anniversary. 30+ years is a lot of time learning to live and grow together. Happy for you!
Thank you so much, Amy. It is a privilege to be able to spend so many years in relative contentment. And your thoughts are that much more meaningful given what I know you are having to navigate now. There is no fairness in the way those cards are dealt.
Your observation skills are always honed: Our 34th anniversary is Sunday.