In this time of transition to who knows where and orwellian double meanings, your writing about raised questions of ordinary and emerging new circumstance feels familiar.
Ordinary seems like the most wonderful place to be. The sublime Ordinariness of mutual consent and cooperation for the benefit of all. Yet, new authoritarians threaten to hold the door any which way they want, your comfort be damned. Not polite at all.
Your poem gets right to the heart of that polite compact. But I confess, I was unsure about the reference to Seymour, Boleyn. So I took a dive... to be reminded of the line between Jane and Anne and how they each navigated Henry's royal whims. They each seem to have been true to their own selves.
Deb, I'm honored by your thoughtfulness and the careful read. Letting myself explore this theme, from the mundane to the mortifying, was an interesting exercise in historical parallels and current realizations: When we attend too specifically to the needs of a few, there are often many others left out in the cold. I hesitated on the Seymour/Boleyn reference for exactly the reason you named and hoped my savvy readers would be up for the challenge. Thank you for proving me right! ☺️ What a great comment!
I'm a door holder & I like door holders. People are often nonplussed when they're behind me and I, walking with a cane, hold the door for them. When I can without losing balance, holding the door is what I do, on automatic.
I love that, Anita, and can picture how that scenario might unfold. Automatic kindness - what a concept! I'm glad there are people like you doing exactly what you do. Thanks for being here.
I love the spareness of your poem, so fitting in a piece that asks us to think about what we withhold and why, especially in a cold season.
Your question about merging and driving makes me think of drivers in our city. Often, people are so set on being nice that they just make driving harder for all of us. I know other drivers probably regularly think I'm an a-hole because I insist on zipper merging, rather than diving into the long lane way way back like they did. If everyone would just zipper, that other lane wouldn't be so long and slow. I'm not a fan of performative niceness. (I always let one car in when it is their turn to merge.)
I'm thinking also of your question about arbitrariness. Most rules or norms are arbitrary, so I don't think it's arbitrariness that makes any of them bad or wrong. It's just that we want to have some order, so we can be calmer. I'm OK with that.
Yes to the zipper!! Sadly, there's either too much competition or too little understanding for that to ever work reliably. I had the most horrible experience driving on Long Island many years ago because somebody got their knickers in a twist about how a merge went down, then tried to run me off the road. Lordy.
I guess rules are meant to encode order and values, but they're human constructs, and humans are unable to agree on much. Those in power get more control over the rules. Maybe they're not arbitrary but inconsistent? Hear hear on being calmer!
I really appreciate the thinking here, Rita, and your willingness to dig in a bit with me. I'm looking forward to reading your piece soon, too!
Yes, I'm a door holder, and I do my best to be courteous on the road in many ways.
Something to also consider when engaging in acts of courtesy and kindness is, what about the other people in my vicinity? Am I inadvertently imposing on someone with my version of courtesy? Am I attempting to control others in order to effect my version of nice? (What about all the cars behind me - on the traffic right-of-way - who are held up because I want to let several cars in front of me rather than more equitably taking turns?)
Situational awareness is one of the foundations of civil behavior and the evolution of ethics. I find myself very (very!) slowly becoming a better person by learning to be aware of those around me, without presuming to know their minds... Being a good human is a lot of work, and well worth it. Thank you for always giving me something to think about and grow from!
What about the other people?! That's really the crux if it all, isn't? At the most basic level, every law draws a boundary. And every boundary distinguishes, creates categories. And categories, by definition, generate inclusion and exclusion. Aren't we a fun species? 😅 This is precisely where I landed with the door holding request, and I appreciate that you saw that and took it to the broader lens situational awareness. Oh, what we stand to gain from better understanding ourselves and offering grace as we can. Thank you, Donna.
I have always been hyper-aware of opportunities for me to "be nice" and hold doors, and to avoid at all costs -- ALL costs -- being an inconvenience to others, which includes such things as moving AS SOON as the light turns green, and being efficient at TSA check-points as regards belts, shoes and how fast I can unpack/repack my laptop so no one has to wait on me in the least. I mean, 70 years of this. Geesh.
There is this calculation I do about holding doors which involves calculating my walking speed, the walking speed of the person behind me, and how long I would have to hold the door so that the person won't have to feel that they have to hurry to take advantage of my courtesy, and so that I won't have to wait too long to collect my gold star. Writing this down, I almost want to erase it. But we are all friends here, so I will let it stand. Thanks for opening the door, Elizabeth, and for holding the space.
Stew, I'm so glad you wrote it down, and I hope you find a modicum of relief in knowing I am frighteningly similar. I hadn't tied the behaviors so much to courtesy until now, though, instead thinking of it as people pleasing. I'm sure there's an overlap there. What I'm trying to see more of in myself is where an action affects something or someone unexpectedly. And it often (dare I saw almost always?) does. Donna and I dance around this in our exchange above. We'd drive ourselves crazier were we to try to adjust for every eventuality. And now, our Constitution and the seemingly endless interpretation of it (substitute various words for constitution...laws, religious texts, etc) comes to mind. Those who are schooled and skilled in civics and ethics must be enjoying the current state of affairs. 😁 Always appreciate getting glimpses of how your mind works! Thanks for reading.
I love this, Elizabeth, and how the idea of that sign seems to operate on more than one layer, a simple request and yet one I can see might be off-putting in some ways. The poem interprets from the inside perspective. Nicely done.
Gah! Yes! So many layers. (And now I'm thinking about Shrek and Donkey -- haha! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FtCTW2rVFM) In all seriousness, I'm glad there are folks here who are willing to explore with me. When the subject of mind reading comes up, Jim and I often joke that it can be pretty scary inside our heads. We may all be in our own seats, but it sure is good to know who's having a similar experience on this roller coaster ride of life. Thank you, Amy!
In this time of transition to who knows where and orwellian double meanings, your writing about raised questions of ordinary and emerging new circumstance feels familiar.
Ordinary seems like the most wonderful place to be. The sublime Ordinariness of mutual consent and cooperation for the benefit of all. Yet, new authoritarians threaten to hold the door any which way they want, your comfort be damned. Not polite at all.
Your poem gets right to the heart of that polite compact. But I confess, I was unsure about the reference to Seymour, Boleyn. So I took a dive... to be reminded of the line between Jane and Anne and how they each navigated Henry's royal whims. They each seem to have been true to their own selves.
Fascinating, how Ordinary gears shift, keep true.
Please do.
Thank you, Elizabeth.
Deb, I'm honored by your thoughtfulness and the careful read. Letting myself explore this theme, from the mundane to the mortifying, was an interesting exercise in historical parallels and current realizations: When we attend too specifically to the needs of a few, there are often many others left out in the cold. I hesitated on the Seymour/Boleyn reference for exactly the reason you named and hoped my savvy readers would be up for the challenge. Thank you for proving me right! ☺️ What a great comment!
I'm a door holder.
Washington State me lets at least one car in.
New Jersey me would have gone to the last cone and then laid on the horn.
This made me smile, John, given that my spouse is a New Yorker. I hope Washington State you feels more relaxed. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Ah yes, the merge for the Lincoln Tunnel toll booths. Stay an inch from the car in front, and whatever you do, don't make eye contact.
😬 😬 😬
I'm a door holder & I like door holders. People are often nonplussed when they're behind me and I, walking with a cane, hold the door for them. When I can without losing balance, holding the door is what I do, on automatic.
I love that, Anita, and can picture how that scenario might unfold. Automatic kindness - what a concept! I'm glad there are people like you doing exactly what you do. Thanks for being here.
I love the spareness of your poem, so fitting in a piece that asks us to think about what we withhold and why, especially in a cold season.
Your question about merging and driving makes me think of drivers in our city. Often, people are so set on being nice that they just make driving harder for all of us. I know other drivers probably regularly think I'm an a-hole because I insist on zipper merging, rather than diving into the long lane way way back like they did. If everyone would just zipper, that other lane wouldn't be so long and slow. I'm not a fan of performative niceness. (I always let one car in when it is their turn to merge.)
I'm thinking also of your question about arbitrariness. Most rules or norms are arbitrary, so I don't think it's arbitrariness that makes any of them bad or wrong. It's just that we want to have some order, so we can be calmer. I'm OK with that.
Yes to the zipper!! Sadly, there's either too much competition or too little understanding for that to ever work reliably. I had the most horrible experience driving on Long Island many years ago because somebody got their knickers in a twist about how a merge went down, then tried to run me off the road. Lordy.
I guess rules are meant to encode order and values, but they're human constructs, and humans are unable to agree on much. Those in power get more control over the rules. Maybe they're not arbitrary but inconsistent? Hear hear on being calmer!
I really appreciate the thinking here, Rita, and your willingness to dig in a bit with me. I'm looking forward to reading your piece soon, too!
Yes, I'm a door holder, and I do my best to be courteous on the road in many ways.
Something to also consider when engaging in acts of courtesy and kindness is, what about the other people in my vicinity? Am I inadvertently imposing on someone with my version of courtesy? Am I attempting to control others in order to effect my version of nice? (What about all the cars behind me - on the traffic right-of-way - who are held up because I want to let several cars in front of me rather than more equitably taking turns?)
Situational awareness is one of the foundations of civil behavior and the evolution of ethics. I find myself very (very!) slowly becoming a better person by learning to be aware of those around me, without presuming to know their minds... Being a good human is a lot of work, and well worth it. Thank you for always giving me something to think about and grow from!
What about the other people?! That's really the crux if it all, isn't? At the most basic level, every law draws a boundary. And every boundary distinguishes, creates categories. And categories, by definition, generate inclusion and exclusion. Aren't we a fun species? 😅 This is precisely where I landed with the door holding request, and I appreciate that you saw that and took it to the broader lens situational awareness. Oh, what we stand to gain from better understanding ourselves and offering grace as we can. Thank you, Donna.
Doors...thank you. Thinking once more of doors to...What? For...What?
But memories are definitely unlocked.
Doors keep things in and out, and allow some to enter or leave. Who and what are always good questions to ask! Thank you so much, Jill.
Unlocking new/old memories: Wow
I have always been hyper-aware of opportunities for me to "be nice" and hold doors, and to avoid at all costs -- ALL costs -- being an inconvenience to others, which includes such things as moving AS SOON as the light turns green, and being efficient at TSA check-points as regards belts, shoes and how fast I can unpack/repack my laptop so no one has to wait on me in the least. I mean, 70 years of this. Geesh.
There is this calculation I do about holding doors which involves calculating my walking speed, the walking speed of the person behind me, and how long I would have to hold the door so that the person won't have to feel that they have to hurry to take advantage of my courtesy, and so that I won't have to wait too long to collect my gold star. Writing this down, I almost want to erase it. But we are all friends here, so I will let it stand. Thanks for opening the door, Elizabeth, and for holding the space.
Stew, I'm so glad you wrote it down, and I hope you find a modicum of relief in knowing I am frighteningly similar. I hadn't tied the behaviors so much to courtesy until now, though, instead thinking of it as people pleasing. I'm sure there's an overlap there. What I'm trying to see more of in myself is where an action affects something or someone unexpectedly. And it often (dare I saw almost always?) does. Donna and I dance around this in our exchange above. We'd drive ourselves crazier were we to try to adjust for every eventuality. And now, our Constitution and the seemingly endless interpretation of it (substitute various words for constitution...laws, religious texts, etc) comes to mind. Those who are schooled and skilled in civics and ethics must be enjoying the current state of affairs. 😁 Always appreciate getting glimpses of how your mind works! Thanks for reading.
I love this, Elizabeth, and how the idea of that sign seems to operate on more than one layer, a simple request and yet one I can see might be off-putting in some ways. The poem interprets from the inside perspective. Nicely done.
Gah! Yes! So many layers. (And now I'm thinking about Shrek and Donkey -- haha! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FtCTW2rVFM) In all seriousness, I'm glad there are folks here who are willing to explore with me. When the subject of mind reading comes up, Jim and I often joke that it can be pretty scary inside our heads. We may all be in our own seats, but it sure is good to know who's having a similar experience on this roller coaster ride of life. Thank you, Amy!
I'm a door holder. And an admirer of your writing and of this spare, beautiful poem. xo
This was very beautiful!
Thank you, Evelyn. Grateful for the read and restack. I hope you're doing okay. 💗